Living with a problem gambler – How you can help

The family of a problem gambler suffer directly from the addiction and its consequences. Gambling addiction exerts enormous pressure on families and often leads to the breakdown of relationships. A recovering problem gambler will often suffer from crippling guilt at the pain and upset they have put their families though. It is the family who bear the direct brunt of the gambling addiction – both financially and emotionally. If your family is affected by gambling addiction there are a number of things you can do to help deal with the problem.

Recognise the problem

Don’t deceive yourself about the extent of the problem. If you do this you have allowed yourself to fall into the same trap as the gambler. Covering up the extent of the problem – and doing it well – is part of the talent of a problem gambler. In order to continue with their addiction they must convince themselves on a daily basis that their actions are sane and logical. If you allow yourself to be persuaded by lies and excuses then there is no way you can help. The web of lies and deceit surrounding the problem may be wide and complicated but you cannot allow yourself to be fooled. Even if at times it is easier to do so. Once you have recognised and named the problem then you should stick to that fact. The gambler will accept your help when they see that you are firm in your conviction. This means not giving in or going back on your word. Don’t bail them out with cash and don’t make excuses for them. Let them know that you are there, you have recognised the problem and you are willing to help in any way you can. You must not accept responsibility for the problem, doing so is a barrier to the gambler doing it themselves. Often the partner or parent of a problem gambler feels like rushing in and coming to the rescue during times of crisis. This will not help in the long run. The gambler needs to see feel and understand the extent of the problem, with the knowledge that you will be there to support them when they are willing to take positive action to resolve the issue. Stand firm no matter how hard it is.

Take it seriously

The gambler cannot simply stop gambling. In order to help you must understand that compulsive gambling is a psychological problem, analogous to substance addiction, and the sufferer cannot easily stop. Exhortations to see sense and address the issues from a level-headed, common-sense type perspective will go unheeded. In fact reacting in this manner may often drive the gambler into further gambling. As they see it you do not understand them; they either believe that they do not have a problem or that you do not understand the problem and therefore there is no point talking to you.

Don’t give in

In order to help a problem gambler you will need to be firm with them. Let them know that you are aware of the problem and are willing to help when they are ready. But don’t let them walk all over you and use your offer of help as an excuse to run to you with repetitive excuses and requests to help them further their addiction. Understand that for a compulsive gambler the ‘last’ mentality is endless. One last loan for one last trip to the betting shop to win back the losses is never just that. They will always want more, and if you become an easy choice for lending cash or sympathy then there is no way you can offer any lasting help or support.

Stay calm

Loosing your temper with the person will only make things worse. Understand that the problem gambler is in a different world much of the time. Gambling consumes their every waking hour; all the annoyances and upsets you go through as a result of their gambling may make little sense to them at first. Hopefully with time they will come to understand the negative results of their actions, but at this initial stage anyone wishing to support a problem gambler must put their own issues aside and be willing to help the gambler control their addiction. A degree of selflessness is needed – something that can seem impossible to a family member who has been put through hell by a loved one’s apparently senseless actions.